Living a Happy Life
by AnnabelleG
Summary: Chiba Mamoru has died, leaving Usagi, his wife, pregnant and alone. Now, years after, Usagi has learned to retrace the steps of life, to discover the act of letting go, and finally being happy. The controversial part one now added (TY!)
1. Default Chapter

   
  
Title: Living A Happy Life  
  
Author: Annabelle  
  
E-mail: hannah@pred.ml.org  
  
Rating: G-PG  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
Author's Notes: Hello guys, I'm back again with this one-parter. It's (once again) about Mamoru and Usagi. But this time, I'm writing a story with a different theme, where things end differently. This is a slightly- depressing story. But I assure you, this won't have a bad ending, a happy one, actually. READ THIS! Or else I know that some of you may go on pressing the "Back" button somewhere in the middle of the story. Oh, and this happens four years after Sailor Stars.  
  
   
  
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not my mine, but is the sole property of Naoko Takeuchi, Kondansha, Dic, and all other respective companies. I don't claim ownership for it, nor do I want to violate any rights.  
  
Thanks/Credits: Thanks again to the Big G, Marmee, and Dr, Kuya. Thanks also go to Luna & Artemis for posting this story.  
  
Etc: Hey guys, I have my own website! The address is: http://www.members.tripod.com/Annabelle_Guillermo/intro.htm  
  
Go ahead and visit it!  
  
Oh, and about the third chapter of "To Remember the Truth," I have a rough draft that canbe found on my web page.  
  
   
  
That's all, enjoy the story!  
  
   
  
Living A Happy Life  
  
Written by Annabelle Guillermo  
  
Edited by Dr. Kuya  
  
   
  
It was a beautiful day, and I smiled as I stared outside, taking in the beautiful surroundings. The wind brushed past my window and carressed me. Feeling refreshed, I stared at the trees as they formed varying crystal lights as their leaves danced with the wind. And I smiled once more, yes, it was a beautiful day.  
  
But I was still plagued by disturbing questions.  
  
I pulled a few long strands of golden hair behind my ears as I pulled my wooden chair closer to the window and pushed it wider. I pulled a soft pillow from the bed and placed it slowly behind my head, ever cautiously fitting my "odangos" comfortably in them. I began to reflect again, in the same way I had every year, no, as I have every now and then.  
  
I smiled sadly, I remembered when everything was normal, when you were here to accompany watch this beautiful site. Oh Mamo-chan, where have you gone? I asked once again. And I sighed hopelessly, burying my head in my hands. He will never come back.  
  
We were meant together, and were destined to rule by each other's side. But all of those were false, honey-coated words -- illusions. He was gone. And he left me.  
  
I closed my azure eyes, as soft tears began to trail from them, just like they had a year ago, and many years more from that. Why? WHY did he have to leave? He brought so my confusion and pain in my life.  
  
I realized that I was slamming my fist against the handles of my chair already, and I felt new pain course through my hand. But that was like a drop of rain compared to the great storm I was feeling within me.  
  
He should be here, rubbing his callous, yet gentle hands on my shoulders, whispering loving words to my ear, comforting me.  
  
"Usako, I'm here, my little rabbit; and I always will. I will never leave you..."  
  
"...never leave you..."  
  
Yes, those words seemed to echo resoundingly with the wind. The sun was now gone, and dark clouds replaced them. My friendly wind is starting to play wildly and enjoy this part of the day to her best mirthlessly. It was starting to howl. And the surroundings once again reflected my inner turbulence. I recall those words. He always said those, "Never again, Usako," his deep voice would say. And I believed them all, ironically, those I never wanted to believe always came true --like being a scout and facing resposibility-- but, seemingly, those words I have believed with a passion never turned in to reality.  
  
For today...  
  
Exactly this very same day, four years ago...  
  
Something happened.  
  
   
  
I was twenty then and was a college student taking Creative Writing. A simple, happy girl with a great boyfriend, and a good education... loving friends and a nice family. I loved my life. Mamo-chan was everything I ever wanted, and the girls are all understanding and fun, we were always together. I guess I never would have expected my life to drastically change from that moment. Life was about that. Changes, but I only know that now.  
  
Things started to change.  
  
Years ago from this day, a few months earlier, I began to wonder why Mamo- chan would sometime just disappear and would be nowhere to be found. I had voiced my questions out earlier, but he had only responded with a sad smile... I never got to hear his answer. Sometimes, he would get nervous during our discussions, especially if it involved our future and marriage. He would always seem tense, and I couldn't understand him. After all the years we've been together, I had felt that he was hiding something from me. Those were one of the moments where I couldn't read him.  
  
Oh, but if only I had known...  
  
And that day, I found out the truth.  
  
The Sad Truth.  
  
I was skimming through my school notes, nervous because Mamo-chan hadn't arrived yet. We were supposed to go on a date. I had been recently doubtful, in such a way in which I couldn't be blamed. Who wouldn't be? Mamo-chan and all the unanswered questions, the unexplained disappearances and the usual, "I have something to do" phrase. How he became tense and uncertain whenever I talked about being a good wife and mother...  
  
The doubt was building in me... did he find another woman? After all, I was not the perfect person. He was so intelligent and sweet, and I was but a silly little girl who had barely managed to get into college. I was just someone who had a goofy smile on my lips and daydreams all day long. In fact, he was the only reason I studied and became a good student in college. He had witnessed all my liabilities. What DID he see in me?  
  
Then, I forgot about the notes I was reading, for my eyes began to blur, and I could feel tears forming from them. My mind was dangerously tossing around in confusion and misery. What was happening? Didn't he love me anymore? But what about the beautiful smiles? The sweet loving words? That expression I always saw in his eyes whenever I caught him looking at me, what was all that for?  
  
"Usagi?"  
  
I then heard my mother calling me... is Mamo-chan here? Have I been imagining these... ugly thoughts all along? I had quickly risen from my chair and went down to greet him, if ever he was there. I didn't here the doorbell ring, though.  
  
"Yes, Ma?"  
  
She was on the phone, hunched over. Her eyes were glazed with sympathy. Dad was beside her, listening intently to whatever part of the conversation he could hear. There was something wrong. And that 'something' is a thing they have kept from me. For so long.  
  
My mother replace the phone back in its handle, and looked at me, her face a mask of sadness. Dad put his arm on her shoulder and nodded at her, as if telling her to go on.  
  
Those words that followed, they were the beginning of my misery.  
  
"Mamoru-san is in the hospital, and the reason he's in there is something only he can tell you."  
  
I immediately did as I was told. I was very worried about Mamo- chan and set out for the hospital immediately. My parents trailed behind me. What did they know? Why was the whole thing so confusing?  
  
Tears started to form as I saw his room number, and stared at my parents for any indication on what they thought I should do. I was too confused and desperate to get mad at them for obviously keeping something from me. To my surprise, Dad ushered me in the room and gave me a tight smile.  
  
I smiled back and closed the door. I paled when I saw mamo-chan lying on the bed, all kinds of apparati on him, but he smiled when our eyes met. And drawing my coat tightly, I walked closer. I took a deep breath as I put my hand in his large one. I had to ask him.  
  
"What's going on Mamo-chan?" I asked in a broken whisper, as all my anxiety during the past months began to pour out of me, "What is happening to you? To my life?" I turned to look away, "I-I feel so confused. What's with all the secrecy? The way you disappear, and... this?" I gestured at the bed.  
  
I turned my teary eyes toward his, and found his reflecting my own expression as well. I didn't move as he raised my hand to his lips, and kiss it. He looked away.  
  
"I never told you about it, Usako, for fear that you wouldn't take it well."  
  
Take what well? But I didn't speak, knowing that he needed all the time to explain now. But my eyes asked him the question.  
  
"I thought that I would still be okay. And that you would never get hurt if you never knew. There were other reasons as well. But, I was wrong, Usa..." his voice started to quiver. And I saw the tears fall. Raising my hand to carress his face, I turned him to face me and asked with barely a whisper, the same question I have been asking, "What?"  
  
"Usako, I... I have Leukemia. And they said there's no hope..."  
  
My hand dropped from its position. My gosh...  
  
Leukemia.  
  
I started crying, "No, Mamo-chan!" I screamed. shaking my head furiously. "Mamo-chan..."  
  
"Tell me your lying; you're just joking right?" I asked in a broken voice, tugging at the sleeve of his white hospital shirt. Mamoru just looked at me, crying as well.  
  
"Mamo-chan, please," I begged him, my voice tight with anxiety "tell me your lying, tell me!" I said once again, losing my sane composure. "Mamo- chan, please, please. Tell ME!"  
  
He quickly had me in a tight hug. Holding me against him as our tears mingled. "Oh, Usako. Don't do this, I love you," his eyes shut, "so much. So much..."  
  
I sniffed as I lay on his shoulder. But I knew. That was why he was always gone. He had been in the hospital, and I even suspected him of having another girlfriend! No wonder, he was always sad, and gave me those pasted smiles. And the way Mom and Dad would look at me during dinner. It was all true...  
  
Mamo-chan began to rock me, and I saw him forcing a smile, as if trying to comfort both of us, "You see, Usako, that was why -- why I was always worried. You, you're such a special girl," he paused, turning to smile, "and you had so many dreams. About cooking for me in the morning, and you and me teaching our baby how to do many things, but Usako, I just..." he choked, "won't be there for you anymore. Usako, I'm dying."  
  
I sobbed, my chest racking. I couldn't think, I was to listen.  
  
He lifted my chin, "And I just can't bear the thought of, never waking to see you beside me. Or never, getting to see you try to cheer me up. I might not even live to see you in a wedding gown."  
  
I clutched his wrist, oh, the pain he was causing.  
  
"Usako, I just want to tell you now how much I love you. You're one great girl. I knew that from the moment you threw your test paper at me," I let out a small mirthless laugh as he coughed, "and I will always believe that. And I want you to know now that I have been happy living the past years with you in my life. You were the only person who became the beacon of light in my shrouded life."  
  
He started playing with the tendrils of my hair, as if nothing was wrong, and his smile grew. "I could never ask for more during those years, only that I wish I can still make up for the things I did that you never deserved. And, I wish for you to be happy, my Odango Atama."  
  
He took a deep breath, "I want you to be happy when I'm gone."  
  
"No, Mamo-chan, don't speak that way," I sobbed.  
  
"All, I want is for you to get married to -- a nice guy and," he gulped, on the verge of breaking down again, "have a great family. With beautiful children as well. Even if the man doesn't happen to be me..."  
  
I hugged him, and he hugged me back. As I continually sobbed on his shoulder, "I can never do that."  
  
"But you will," he said, smiling at me. I was -had been- confused by his words.  
  
"But Usako, there's something more that I want. But, it is not my place to ask you for it. Because I want you to build a new life without me." he whispered into my ear. "But if there's only one thing I can have, that is one thing I have to say."  
  
"What is it... I don't care. Tell me," I pleaded him.  
  
"Usako, all I want is to die, to die as your husband."  
  
   
  
Tears were forming on my eyes again. Just like it had years ago. My eyes were blank, staring at nothing outside.  
  
I married him, knowing that he would die in a matter of weeks. He had the illness for nearly four months ago. And even the doctors wondered how he had been able to survive for up to then. And I couldn't help but feel angry because he told me just now, when the situation was at its worst condition. But still, I married him, and those weeks were few of the happiest ones in my life, Mamo-chan even went home with us. Mom and Dad knew of his ailment already, they learned about it a few months ago, as Mamoru had explained to them. We stayed at our family's summerhouse. A church marriage in bed, Minako-chan commented it was sweet. Bittersweet actually.  
  
Two weeks from that, Mamo-chan was taken into the Intensive Care Unit. And a day from that from that, he died.  
  
It was unlikely, he seemed to look okay when he proposed to me. Or when he asked me out that day I found out he was sick. but then, I never noticed how tired he look, or the paleness of his face. For he had always smiled.  
  
But then, he also died with a smile.  
  
He also asked me to do what he had told me the day he asked me to marry him. I didn't respond, though. I didn't want to hear it. I know what I deserve.  
  
   
  
I sighed as looked out. Mamoru had been buried in my family's plot. After all, he was a part of the family. Even dad knew that (although I must admit, I never saw them get along). And I became a widow, a pregnant widow, that is. I found out that I was pregnant a few days after his death.  
  
Why is life so terrible?  
  
'He is gone, the river's just a river...'  
  
You see, this was the day he died.  
  
   
  
I had vowed never to love again. Life was against me, and God took him away from me. Everything was darkness. Many loved ones were there to comfort me. But I had shut myself to the world and climbed back inside my shell of isolation and misery. I didn't want to feel the pain anymore, hearing his words all over again and watching my dreams crumble into ashes as I saw him in my sleep all over again. And my child, I didn't know how I was going to raise the baby.  
  
It was frightening, to have no one beside you. He used to be the only one really there. But he was gone.  
  
I often found myself screaming for him, crying and crying... Everyday I wore black. And my face became pale, like a whitewashed shell. People always looked at me with those eyes, eyes that pitied me.  
  
I then realized that life was not worth living anymore. There was nothing for me. My life was a barren landscape, a sky filled with dark clouds. My husband left me. And there was no more warmth.  
  
   
  
Then he came...  
  
"He" returned. This was a very special person. I used to think of him as nothing more but a friend with a silly infatuation for me. And as he tried to help me, I pushed him away. Tentatively, that is. For I never saw his deeper side before. He talked wisely, with words of wisdom. And began to ease me off my protective veil of bitter self-pity. But I had rejected him once again. Unlike me, he immediately seemed to know what Mamo-chan's words meant.  
  
He came unexpectedly. I didn't know what to think...  
  
He was someone I NEVER thought he could be.  
  
It was eight months after Mamo-chan's death, and I was still mourning as if he had died a day ago. I thought I was correct, that what I was doing was what I deserved. But I never knew why what Mamo-chan said he wanted to me do was very different from what I thought was supposed to happen. But he enlightened me.  
  
   
  
"Here, Usagi, take this," he told me, smiling as he handed me a cone of ice cream.  
  
I just stared at it, but didn't take it. I started fingering the lace trimmings of my black dress and didn't speak. I just looked away.  
  
"What is it, what's wrong?" he asked me.  
  
"I'm not ready. I won't be." my simple, yet complicated answer.  
  
He sighed, "It is about him again, isn't it?"  
  
I turned to him, my blonde hair, now limp swung around, a few long strands escaping the ponytail I have placed it into. My eyes were once again wet.  
  
"Look, please stop CHANGING me. This is what I deserve! The only man I ever loved had died; my husband. And I'm doing this for him. If this is the path my life would lead into, then I'd take it."  
  
He looked shocked, but then, he took in what I said and looked down.  
  
"Is that how you really feel?" he asked me quietly.  
  
I looked up, sighing as I tried to get the slight nausea I was feeling off my head, "Yes... this is what I am supposed to do."  
  
He turned to me, and my eyes met him, "Haven't you learned from what Mamoru told you?"  
  
"What?" he caught my attention.  
  
He stood up, "Usagi, you never learned. Don't you realize why he never told you he had Leukemia in the first place? Usagi he wanted you to learn, to know..."  
  
"What?" I stood up. "What did Mamo-chan want me to learn?"  
  
"I can now see why he loved you so much," I barely heard him mutter under his breath.  
  
I urged him, "Tell me! I was correct, right? He wants me to remain faithful to him, and I would, for our love --"  
  
"Oh, Usagi -- would you please STOP thinking THAT way?" he said in frustration.  
  
"Usagi, do you know why he kept his sickness from you? That's because he wanted to show you he loved you while there was still time. So to let you know that he really loves you without all the worries. He wanted to be able to learn how to prepare you for what was to happen. He wanted to make sure you were going to be all right.  
  
"He wanted the best for you. He died, asking you to be happy. Usagi, he died WANTING to see you happy in the future, with all the safety, love and security you need. not this way, that is why he asked you to marry him. He wanted to show you that he truly loved you, and that he was willing to give up his hold on you FOR you."  
  
His words shot through me, "I, I can't do that. I never can..." I whimpered.  
  
"Ah, but Usagi, you will."  
  
His words, those were Mamo-chan's words as well. And that shot a sharp ribbon of light through the darkness consuming my soul. His words had reached me straight in my heart. I was not sure what they meant yet, though. but it was an indication, a simple push, telling me that I had to move on as well. What he was telling me had some truth, something I had yet to understand.  
  
I shook and stared away in defeat. I felt so uncertain. I didn't know whether or not should I continue along the path my life was steering into. Pain, it was hard. Moving on would mean leaving my Mamo-chan and all those memories behind. But then, I could feel warmth from this other thing, from "moving on." Should I remain like this...  
  
I felt his arm on my shoulder, "Don't worry Usagi-chan. That was what he wanted. But never feel ashamed, nor afraid. For I will be with you. I will help you, and will make sure you get through this," he said, smiling as he gestured at my full, round belly, "alive and well."  
  
   
  
   
  
Even now, I wonder about the words he had said, about Mamo-chan's decision. I have decidedly tried to move on. But I never got to contemplate about what he said. But that didn't matter much to "him." He helped me go on slowly, ever so patiently. He was the gentle hands that caught me whenever I fell, but still, I never found out.  
  
And now, I look at the room I'm in. I stare at the beautiful house I now live in. My room was very neat, only ruined by a pair of small shoes looking certainly out of place in the rug carpet. I smile.  
  
There was something I had overlooked throughout these whole four years.  
  
I am happy now.  
  
I smile as I stood up from the chair and began to walk around the well- furnished bedroom. Yes, I was happy, and I began to understand...  
  
I walked over to the bed, my hands slowly tracing the intricate patterns on the antique, wooden posts. This bed was with me throughout this desert of my life. It was there when I married Mamo-chan, and those were the posts I held tightly onto during the feelings of ecstasy and pleasure with my beloved.  
  
It was also where he died.  
  
Where I had cried myself for countless nights to sleep. Where all my misery was at full exposure. Where the pain I felt was always at its height.  
  
But, I AM happy.  
  
For then, it reminded me of "him," and my life now, too.  
  
This bed was where I gave birth to my first daughter, Chiba Usagi, Chibi- Usa. The great bundle of trouble and joy that came into my life. She gave me a reason to live. Whenever I looked at her, with her short pink hair, I would always see her papa in her. And she and him became my lifeline.  
  
And on that very side of the bed, he stood.  
  
There, he stood, beside me, as he comforted me in my tears. And there he was, watching and anxious, when I gave birth to Chibi-Usa. There, we stood together, playing with my baby, and laughing with her as if she were his own.  
  
He became the substitute for Mamo-chan.  
  
Oh, he was the pillar I held through the darkest of times. And here he is still, watching me, guiding me, always a step behind me.  
  
He was my closest friend, no, he WASN'T my Mamo-chan, but he still gave me the security and comfort I had needed. He became my Knight in Shining Armor, always there, my greatest friend and brother.  
  
   
  
And soon... that changed.  
  
   
  
Although my conscience had bothered me with guilt, I also began looking at him the way I did at Mamo-chan. He would always reveal that deep, sensitive side of him whenever he was around me. He always smiled, too. He would also joke with me by flirting with me. Those words had been vague and decently said, but still, he said them -- they were VERY evident to me. But he knew that I KNEW and understood what else concerns that topic.  
  
I had once asked him why he was so concerned about me, and why he was so understanding and gentle. And I smile, recalling his answer.  
  
He told me that he had felt the same way before, after his mother had died. His mother, he told me, cared about him and his siblings so much they could never ask for another mom. And in her love for them, she died. It was a long story, but all I knew, that despite the pain, and all the mourning, he found out that mourning wasn't the way to make a deceased loved one happy, but moving on and enjoying life as it was.  
  
I was quite dubious about that fact, though.  
  
He told me that, although he had accepted his mother's death, he had grown quite detached from his siblings, and from others as well. That was why people mostly see him from a different light. He told me (he had been blushing!) that they all saw him as a carefree, fool-hardly young man who took all he had for granted. But they never knew who he really was. He told me secrets he had kept away from others, like the fact that he really loved poetry and books, and how he was scared people would call him childish for his endless love for stars and "petty things" like rainbows. He also revealed to me his childhood secrets and dreams, their escapades and mischief.  
  
And for that moment, I felt needed, and somehow, someone who understood.  
  
I laughed. He also told me that he was really attracted to me the first time we met. But he knew that I had someone else and that I would never be his (I began blushing as well). He had accepted that as well... But what he really knew from the first moment we meant was that I was the one he would be able to show his true colors to. He didn't know in what way or aspect, but he had known that I had to be the one. He told me that he now understood.  
  
That was when I slowly realized that I truly loved him, and am wanting him with all my heart.  
  
Although many points had still been unclear during that time in my life, our feelings started to change and to bloom. At night time, after work, I would always find myself thinking about him, and sometimes ask myself if that was what Mamo-chan wanted. I would even look at Chibi-Usa, seeing Mamo- chan in her, and ask her if that was what he (or she) wanted.  
  
I never got an answer, though. If ever Mamo-chan was listening, he won't answer. Chibi-Usa would just stare at me with her innocent large and round, pink eyes.  
  
Mamo-chan was always in my heart, I would pretend that he was still alive sometimes, and would talk to him. I would always ask him questions. But then I realized, that maybe life will just reveal the answers itself. And I began to slowly try to adapt to what life WAS giving me. "He" would always be there, but he won't be Mamo-chan.  
  
The two of us started getting extremely comfortable with each other. Too comfortable, that it already became uncomfortable. I started blushing whenever he was around, and he would start asking me out to different places that seemed to be out of the "comforting friend" category. I would also catch him looking at me in a, well, different kind of way and both of us would always turn out to be blushing whenever we were alone. Especially whenever he would come by to watch me write my little manuscripts and stories for children. And if it weren't for Chibi-Usa, my little bouncing young child, I don't know if there would ever be a conversation started between us. She would always be the topic of our talks, about her cuteness, my progress as a mother, and at times, about Mamo-chan. I still missed him then, but was utterly confused.  
  
And aside from that, even Chibi-Usa started calling him, "Papa!"  
  
Yet, he was. He loved her with all his heart. And she was the only one he revealed his sensitive, loving side to other than me. I knew that he was willing to give up his life for her, if ever that was needed.  
  
And then, just the night before, at the park, he revealed his heart to me.  
  
We had been taking Chibi-Usa out on a walk, and my baby, exhausted from play, feel asleep in his arms. And just as we were supposed to leave, we decided to rest at the bench beside the lake and just relax.  
  
I had been quiet, afraid to speak, for he seemed to be in a world of his own. I can only stare at the emotions passing through his dark brown eyes as I rocked Chibi-Usa and pretended to hum a small lullaby to her. Then he suddenly spoke.  
  
"Do you still think of him?"  
  
I knew who he was talking about, and I answered as I turned to him, who had clouded eyes and was looking far off. He was nervous.  
  
I turned back to Chibi-Usa, "Yes, I do. Not all of the time, but I still would. I would remember him every now and then... whenever I see roses, or when I look at Chibi-Usa straight in the eye. I would still think of him, I still love him -- I always will. But I feel like -- I don't know, ready and free to do as I wish!  
  
"But still, sometimes, I would still mourn. You know, waiting for him. Asking him, 'why?' You see, after all these years, I still haven't... haven't understood all that you told me. There is a missing truth, and I'm not sure if I'm ready for it," I smiled, "but still, I keep on to the hope that things, would, somehow, be just fine."  
  
He nodded, and I feel the words emanating from him, his eyes were speaking... 'Are you ready?' I didn't know why I did it, or maybe deep down, I did. I gave him a dubious look.  
  
He then began, unsure of what he was doing. It seemed like he really wanted to tell me something "Usagi-chan, when he died. I was plagued by guilt, with the fact that you were already free. I had pushed those thoughts of my head, without much sucess, that is. But I knew how Mamoru-san felt, and how my mother felt. I knew that you needed me most, because, I, of most people knew how you feel, and how he felt.  
  
"But I could't help it, Usagi. Instead of leaving those feelings kept inside, they grew all those years I began to see and know you more deeply. And I know that there would never be a woman right for me but you. Usagi... if there's only one thing in the world that can make me happy, it would be that thought that you are mine."  
  
I was glad, and joy spread through me like fire as I left my questions behind for the moment. I could have answered him with a happy "yes" for I knew he was right, there can be no other man for me now but him.  
  
I was slowly learning. Up to now, I am. I'm only looking for the missing truth, the truth about what Mamo-chan thought was the best for me and what I deserved. But that, was the next best day in my life, after Mamo-chan's proposal. It was my second one, I know. But, as strange as it may seem, I was enjoying it as much as I had with Mamo-chan. In my heart, I knew he loved me, and that he won't be leaving me now. He had proven that long ago.  
  
But I still had confused feelings about my beloved Mamo-chan, I just couldn't answer. His memory was still there.It just wasn't right! And I did something I knew I would regret, as I threw my chances of being with him away.  
  
I saw his eyes widen as he stared at me, I could feel his pain. But I just didn't know what to do anymore.  
  
Before he could speak, I stood up and kissed him gently on the lips.  
  
Then I left him in his tears.  
  
But I didn't know whether or not he saw my own ones.  
  
   
  
I took a deep breath as I stepped out of the kitchen door and entered the gardens. The wind was still strong, but there was no positive sign of rain. I needed to refresh myself this time; and now, it's for real. Life was already showing me the answer to my questions. And I should be ready.  
  
Every year, during this day, I would cry and remember him. Asking him why he left that day. I would mourn like I did when he just died. I would cling on to his memory, hoping that somehow, he was still there. I would miss him, and ask him to come back again.  
  
Mamo-chan, what is it that you wanted for me? Is this it? You wanted me to marry another, that doesn't mean you don't love me, does it? Why haven't you asked for what we both deserved? Why didn't you want me to be for you forever?  
  
And on top of that, why did you die?  
  
I walked down the dust path despite the strong wind, and stared at the white sky. I rest my head at the bark of an old oak tree and closed my eyes.  
  
'Oh, Usagi -- would you please STOP thinking THAT way?'  
  
My eyes shot open as I remembered his words.  
  
He wanted me to learn to accept his death. Yes, that was it. But... why?  
  
'It is all in his words...'  
  
I hear the wind talking to me, and I recall...  
  
and learn.  
  
Mamo-chan and me walking down the park, he would let me lean on his shoulder, and would swing me around, laughing  
  
Tuxedo Mask coming into my room, and then he would sweep me up and take me away as we would go jump past building to building, and he would always enjoy hearing me scream at him for scaring me.  
  
Sitting on his couch, screaming as he tries to tickle the life out of me. Then he would give me ice cream as an "apology-gift"  
  
'Yay, Usako! You finally made it through college!'  
  
'Usako, I just want to tell you now how much I love you. You're one great girl. I knew that from the moment you threw your test paper at me, and I will always believe that. And I want you to know now that I have been happy living the past years with you in my life. You were the only person who became the beacon of light in my shrouded life.'  
  
He started playing with the tendrils of my hair, as if nothing was wrong, and his smile grew. "I could never ask for more during those years, only that I wish I can still make up for the things I did that you never deserved. And, I wish for you to be happy, my Odango Atama.'  
  
'But Usako, there's something more that I had wanted. But, it is not my place to ask you for it. Because I want you to build a new life without me.'  
  
'Yet, Usako, I want to die your husband.'  
  
I gasped.  
  
"Mamo-chan, you really DID love me, didn't you?" I asked, smiling as I felt tears fall. "And even at the height of death, you still thought about me."  
  
"This is what you wanted wasn't it? Mamo-chan, you wanted me to feel happy and to accept the truth. But me? Mamo-chan, I don't deserve this!"  
  
I fell to the ground, crushing the leaves beneath me, "Why?"  
  
'He wanted the best for you. He died, asking you to be happy. Usagi, he died WANTING to see you happy in the future, with all the safety, love and security you need. not this way, that is why he asked you to marry him. He wanted to show you that he truly loved you, and that he was willing to give up his hold on you FOR you.'  
  
He wanted me to accept his death, and to make his soul content... by being happy myself.  
  
Because he loved me.  
  
Maybe that was why I cried during all those years. I couldn't accept that one of the only persons who loved me that much was gone. I had been insecure. He was the only one who helped bring me through past the darkest of times. Maybe I was just scared, because he would be gone, and won't be by my side anymore. And in my fear, I tried to keep him alive, to pretend that he is still there by mourning for him. I had just hoped against all hope, that, by mourning for him, things would remain the same.  
  
But I was blind. There were the others. They loved me as well. Even without Mamo-chan, they would always be there to support me, always there to guide me. I still had hope. I must admit, I was somehow scared they'd be gone too, but I was wrong. They have always been there.  
  
Mamo-chan told me those words... to help me realize that no matter what would happen, there can always be happiness for me. That I shouldn't lose hope. That although he may be gone, there will always be someone there for me, to guide me, to help me. He had given me those words to prepare me for the future, to let me know that I should also learn to move on.  
  
   
  
There was still love,  
  
and they loved me,  
  
he loves me.  
  
And he taught me to live a happy life,  
  
by setting his memory free.  
  
   
  
Mamo-chan believed in me, and he knew I'd be able to make it through. I remember what "he" told me, "Mourning isn't the way to make a deceased loved one happy, but moving on and enjoying life as it is."  
  
Oh, why didn't I notice before?  
  
This, my tears... they weren't what he wanted. He...  
  
Mamo-chan, I love you. With all my heart. And I always will. You may have died, but our love for each other hasn't. You will always have a place in my heart. I thank you for showing me the missing truth.  
  
And for now, I already have the answers to my questions. I am already sure.There was no missing truth, it was here all along. I should have listened and opened my heart to reality. No wonder Rei-chan always called me stubborn.  
  
I laughed happily, and immediately set out to do the only business I haven't finished.  
  
And that was to live my life.  
  
I went inside the house and and ran out of the door. Wiping my tears, I didn't bother for the car and ran off towards the building. It was funny, I didn't get tired, it was like, as if someone was holding me as I ran...  
  
'Mamo-chan...'  
  
Now, I think again, Life isn't really that ironic. I still have life, and we all have peace and happiness, things I believe myself. People die, and Mamo-chan happened to be one of them. But Life wasn't all unfair. It gave me Chibi-Usa and him.  
  
I still had hope, and I have my future. I have my friends, my loved ones, I had God with me!  
  
I went inside the building and quickly padded at the elavator panels. I took a deep breath as the doors opened and I stepped out.  
  
I ran towards his door, as I had in this apartment for many times before. But this time, I was hoping that I wouldn't be too late.  
  
As I paused before his door, I took a very deep breath once again and knocked on his door.  
  
"Seiya, are you in there?" I asked as I continue knocking.  
  
Silence.  
  
"Seiya, please, don't do this to me. We need to talk! Just listen to me this time!" I told him, growing desperate.  
  
The door opened, "Look, Usagi, aren't you supposed to be doing something else right now?" he asked quietly, looking down. I gulped, he looked handsome, in his pale, long-sleeved yellow polo shirt and white pants. His face looked so sad and dejected, my heart broke at the sight of him. I love you. I love you so much.  
  
This is my chance! I sighed, relieved. Mamo-chan, I'm doing it now. I'm going to make my life happy.  
  
"Yes, I know," I replied, smiling sadly. He sadly looked at me in surprise, "What do you mean..."  
  
"This," I told him, encircling my arms around his waist. Then I tiptoed and kissed him.  
  
I heard him give out a surprised sound, and I giggled underneath as I pushed myself up to kiss him more. And finally, he placed his arms around me and pulled me close. Our kiss changed as his lips grew hungry on mine and as I found myself responding with the same passion.  
  
He released me soon, and I found myself gasping for air. My gosh, he was so sweet! "Usagi..." he whispered as he nuzzled my ear, "I love you," and when I turned to look at him, there were unshed tears in his eyes. "I thought... The other night..."  
  
"Don't say it, Sei-chan," I told him, repeating the nickname I had given him years ago. I put my hand in his, "I was confused. Seiya, I may have not said yes, but I didn't say no, either. I... I had thought things over."  
  
He looked away, oh, my sweet, loving knight, you're just like Mamo-chan, always concerned for me, "Usagi, I don't want you to feel obliged or guilty. I respect what your decision is," I could feel him choking.  
  
"Sei-chan, I loved you the moment you revealed to me who you really were. I loved you from the moment you entrusted your heart with all trust in my hand. I loved you, Seiya, from the time you first carried my baby. I loved you then and I love you still. You're not forcing me on anything, you never did. I was the one who had forced and kept myself away. I never listened to what you were trying to tell me."  
  
He held me close and pulled me inside, "Usagi-chan, do you understand now? Are you really ready?"  
  
There wasn't much to be said, we both knew what he meant.  
  
I lay my head contentedly on his hard chest, "Yes, I do. And not just partly, Sei-chan, but I understand the whole missing truth. Seiya, I have been so blind. And now, I want you to know that, throughout all that has happened, I am now ready."  
  
   
  
'After all these years of waiting, she's ready. Oh Lord, I can't thank you well enough...' Seiya thought, smiling down at her, his arms tightening, as if she would just vanish once he let go.  
  
"Usagi-chan, you don't know how much I love you, how much I've been thinking about you. I couldn't sleep last night, thinking about what happened. I thought you'd be leaving me. I didn't want to see you gone," he confessed, kissing her hair. 'Oh God, please don't let this be a dream. I love her so much,' he prayed.  
  
   
  
He pulled me inside and asked me to sit down, lovingly, he told me to wait for him. Some people (namely Haruka) tell me I am naive. So I was! I didn't know what Seiya was going to do.  
  
He came back and had a reddish hue on his face as I saw him fingering something nervously in his pocket. I ignored it, though. For I realized that, as I was looking at him from across the room, I was looking at him with the same eys that looked at Mamo-chan four years ago. And I know that I have found life.  
  
He walked nearer and I sighed in anticipation as I waited for him to say something. And, to my surprise, I found him kneeling on one knee before me. I gasped sharply as I noticed what he seemed to be doing. Mamo-chan did the very same to me in a different way. I smiled, tears flooding my eyes once more. He nodded, raising my hand to his lips.  
  
"Usagi-chan, Odango Atama," he asked me. And I closed my eyes, remembering the pleasure of hearing those words from his lips. Words that he had refrained from calling me for who knows how many years just to comfort me, I loved them, "all throughout the years, I have known and fallen in love with you. I found happiness in no one but you. May I be given the right to call you...mine? Will you marry me?"  
  
God may have taken Mamo-chan, but he gave me Chibi-Usa and Seiya instead. I will always remember and love Mamo-chan, and would hold a dear place in my heart just for him. Neither Seiya or anyone else would ever replace him. And she would love him till the end of time.  
  
I love Seiya as a new person, in the same way I loved Mamo-chan, and he is completely a different person. And I know that I have found someone I will love with passion for all my life as well.  
  
   
  
Without hesitation, I cried out "Yes, yes, of course!" and I put my arms around his neck as he swung me around, laughing with genuine tears.  
  
   
  
In the distance, I felt a very familiar soul smile.  
  
'But Usako, you will...'  
  
 End.  
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
   
  
  


	2. Epilogue

Two years later (Not Crystal Tokyo)...

She sat by the fireplace, rocking her chair slowly. The fire flickered warmly, making her face seem to glow in the darkness. She looked like a beautiful angel, shining brightly inside the slightly-darkened room. Then she smiled, putting aside the small notebook she was writing on. She ran her hand over her round belly and her smile grew.

She was Tsukino Usagi, the famous author who wrote beautiful stories for children. She was also known as one of the most fortunate women, with her loving family, fortune, and fame. She was admired for the stories she made, and were considered the best ones. But the thing was, they never knew what the most beautiful story in her life was.

Living, and Moving On.

And the lesson? That in order to survive, one must love him or herself and the life she was given. 

"Mama, mama!"

She smiled, turning in the direction of the voice, "In here, honey!"

A very cute little girl with pink hair done in small, pointed odangos ran inside the room. She quickly barraged into her mother and gave her a big, tight hug.

"And how's our Small Lady today?" Usagi asked, putting the six-year old down. 

"I had a very good time today! Papa took me shopping to buy you a gift. And we have gotten you a very, very, very BIG and pretty present, mommy! It's this big," she declared throwing her hands out as wide as her short arms can, "and you're going to like it real well!"

"That's enough, Chibi-Usa, or else, your Mama will find out what our gift for her is," a laughing voice interrupted her. Usagi's grin grew wider as her husband entered the room.

"Daddy," Chibi-usa said, running over to who she treated as her father. Ond day she would have to know who her wonderful father really was, Usagi thought, but that was for the future.

She stood up, walking over to them, "And what else did you do today?" she asked, trying to look cynical. She laughed as she suddenly whispered to her husband, "Okay, so how much money did you have to waste on a Christmas present for me?"

Seiya laughed, "We didn't waste any money, did we, Usa?"

Her child agreed with her father, "No we didn't. Daddy says that nothing would be wasted whenever it comes to you." 

Usagi blushed and laughed, leaning on her husbands shoulder as she continued to listen to Chibi-Usa. Seiya removed his dark jacket and smiled as he kissed one of her odangos as placed an arm around her back. 

Chibi-Usa bounced around excitedly, "I also told my friends that I am going to have a sib--sib--"

"Sibling," Usagi corrected, gently looking at her. 

"Yes! I told my classmates that I am going to have a new sibling next month!" she said in a jovial tone, coming nearer to put her soft face against her Mama's tummy.

Usagi laughed happily as she felt her daughter relax on her stomach, "You know, I think it's going to be a girl."

Her daughter looked up, "Really?" her face crinkled in concentration, as if in thought. After a moment, she said, " Me too."

Seiya spoke, "No, I think it would be a boy."

"A girl!" both Usagi and Chibi-Usa said at the same time.

Seiya sighed, exasperated, "Two against one, that's not fair!"

Usagi stuck her tongue out at him, and Seiya, thinking her very adorable, kissed her then and there.

He broke away with a mischievous expression on his face, "But then, you know, I don't really care whether it's a boy or a girl. But, if ever it would turn out to be a girl we must make sure to put odangos on her hair too."

He laughed as Usagi blushed, "And I promise to love him... or her just as much as I greatly love our Small Lady here," he remarked, bringing 'his' daughter up on his shoulder. 

'Thank God for that!'

Usagi laughed and the three of them left the room, all happy and warm in their hearts.

She had a happy life. 

End.

Author's Additional Ramblings: Okay, that's it. Hope you enjoyed it! Anyway, please, PLEASE don't send me flames about Mamoru's death. This was just an idea that has evolved into a short story, not the real thing. Besides, we all know that he was destined to live! :)

Anyway, about Seiya, I made him change. You know what I mean. I think that he is also worth some attention. I just can't find a better guy! I LOVE him. It's nice to get him sensitive. If you can find anyone more appropriate, tell me, and maybe we can revise a bit... I hope not.

Don't forget, http://www.members.tripod.com/Annabelle_Guillermo/intro.htm 


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